Build a Fire and They Will Come!
Sally and I relocated from a big, beautiful yet remote home to an older, downtown neighborhood. We went there in large part because it had an active association. We were a bit worried about losing some of our coveted privacy from our stressful jobs, but took the chance. Once we moved we jumped into the activities of the neighborhood and began the slow process of becoming friends with new people.
The biggest surprise to us is how hungry people are to get involved if you give them an easy opportunity and make it pleasant. To that end we tried a cool new approach last month. I went to Home Depot and bought one of those outdoor, enclosed fire pits. I assembled it with my neighbor Jeff and when finished we lit a fire and sat and had a beer. It was in a small sitting area in front of our house. A few minutes later another neighbnor Joanne wandered across the street and sat with us. Soon her husband Tom came out along with his visiting daughter. And then another, and another. Several brought their dogs.
Within two hours there were 21 people who just came, brought their own beverage, kids and dogs, and we sat around until 10 pm talking and laughing. It was so popular I did it again this past Friday night with the same results.
Getting connected is not instantaneous. It is a process that begins slowly and grows just as slowly - not through a lot of intense emotional bonding - but rather by engaging in shared activities over time.
Take some initiative.
Build a fire and they will come.
posted by Dr. Will Miller @ 11:29 AM
2 Comments:
At 8:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
I just want to say, I was present when you spoke at the TCAP luncheon several weeks ago, and it really made me think about who had refrigerator rights in my life. I'm a busy case manager at DCS, and I tell my clients all the time that increasing their social supports to include more positive people is so important...but I never seem to take the time to do this myself. I spoke with my husband about your speech, and we have both put in extra effort to meet and learn from our neighbors, without even realizing that we were doing so. It was pretty strange! Found out our neighbor's son is a state representative, and the elderly woman next door is just about the sweetest woman ever! Thanks for helping to open up my own eyes to the people around me!! Oh, and you were great on Bob and Tom!
At 9:57 AM,
Edvard von Zeppelin IV said…
My wife and our two daughters just moved from a golf course development into a downtown condominium . Both communities have associations, the one we left is weak and does not try to reach-out to all the homeowners or address the needs of younger members of the community, e.g., if you don't play golf, play bridge, drink at the club house, etc. then you have few options for being involved with your neighbors. I guess this is their interpretation of an "adult" community. The sheer seperation of houses from one another by massive expanses of lawn, which the associaition expects to be cut more than once a week, except during droughts mitigates against "just walking over to say hello". In contrast, the condominium community is perceived by the outside world to be inhabited by "old people". In reality, it has a nice cross-section of the ancient, i.e., a 94 year-old widow who lives in a six bedroom, six baths, three car garage, four floor unit by herself surrounded by books she is reading and those still to be read. This woman has daily visitors and people who attend to her needs; her age and infirmities prevent her venturing out very often, but she does communicate with neighbors and the association. The youngest inhabitants are an eighth-grader and her sister who is a freshman in high school (a bit younger than our girls). Yesterday, the association held a birthday party in the common space for the 45 year old daughter of a woman who has a 68 year old husband with confirmed Alzhiemer's. The old, the middle-aged, and the young all turned out for cakes, ice cream sundies, cards, and gifts for this member of our community. Almost daily, several retired or "free" folks in the community bring their lunch into the common space and share the shade and breezes while eating and shooting the breeze. One can participate as much or as little as desired, but the group communicates and continually reaches out. I do miss grilling out [a prescribed activity allowed during Octoberfest and other designated times], but I sure like where I live and those who share the living.
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